The past several weeks have seemed like a blur. I have been in a state of mind that surpasses gratitude, and is more a state of awe. In awe at the blessings in my life, the change in my person, and the ability to look back over the past several years and recognize how the dots all connect.
Many of you know that a couple of months ago I made a huge change in my life. It was a risk and I felt a tiny bit of fear, a tiny bit of financial insecurity, and a whole lot of excitement. But it is difficult to take a leap of faith no matter how strong your faith is. There is always an element of unknown and that can be uncomfortable. I was, however, faced with some serious consequences because of the choices I had made to work multiple jobs 80 hours a week, be a full-time student, and try to maintain some sort of life. I did this for a few years and it started to catch up with me. I was tired, stressed, and my body began to fight back with illness. My doctors were telling me endlessly that I had to make changes in my life and I had to slow down and cut back my stress. I had spread myself so thin that I couldn’t focus on any one thing because I was constantly worried about the next thing. Getting up at 5:30 every morning and getting home to fall into bed at 11 or sometimes later if I had homework. Its like my alcoholic brain was in some kind of race to make up for lost time or something.
My breaking point came when, on top of an illness we were already treating, there was all of a sudden a cancer scare. And in the midst of tests and possible biopsy to face, they told me I had to start a heart medication. I am only 41. I spent my birthday this year in the hospital having tests run and I laid on the cold hospital bed crying. It was not my first cancer scare and I was far more afraid this time.
I began to think about the last time I had felt happy, truly happy. It was just a handful of years ago, before I decided to become a college student, I was working, I was going to the gym 6 days a week, and I was in AA everyday. It was the best I have ever felt in my life. In that moment, it became clear to me that I wanted my life to be like that again. I knew I needed to get centered again and actively care for myself like I used to. But, I did not know how I was going to do that.
Fast forward a couple of months and I knew I had to make some changes. The last couple of years I have worked so hard building my business, making sure I am in the right places, nurturing relationships with the right people, and I have been blessed with incredible friends and mentors. My business started to grow which only made me more busy and more stressed- so I decided to take a leap of faith, leave my steady paycheck, and focus on being my own boss. There was some fear in knowing that I had to provide myself a paycheck. I called a few of my close friends and those great mentors I was talking about and I talked through my situation. Everyone was encouraging and supportive and told me I was doing the right thing.
I realized that all of the choices I have made over the years have all lead me to a point where I could comfortably take this leap of faith. Becoming a responsible person financially, choosing to live below my means rather than living in a big house and buying a new car, choosing to save money more than spend it, choosing to build my life based on great principles rather than living in ego and greed, and following my path that recovery gave me that is my great passion and hobby and pleasure. All of the years of living the program of AA, letting my sponsor teach me how to live and how to grow up to be strong, honest, responsible, and capable- all of these things had lead me to this moment where I was able to make a bold and scary choice and know that it was the right choice.
Everyday I visualize the blessings of my life, I think about the life I want for myself and the person I want to be- I think about the service that I provide and make sure that I am being the best that I can be to the families that are trusting me. I love, entirely, the people I work for and work with. And I am in awe every single day at the life this program has allowed me to live and the person it has allowed me to become. I am blown away by it and gratitude is not a big enough word to describe what I feel. Thank you thank you thank you thank you….