A Little Pain and Honesty

Posted on January 3, 2013

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Right now I have to be honest about some pain. I am always able to articulate better when I write, and the healing I feel after writing is amazing.

I had lunch today with someone from my past. I used to write blogs about him because I always felt inspired and I always felt grateful for having him in my life. I admired him for so many things. He is driven, hard-working, compassionate, kind, funny… and I could go on and on…

It was a long distance relationship and didn’t work out because it was a long distance relationship. But just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean that my feelings changed or that I didn’t want to be with him anymore or that I forgot about him. He is my favorite person I have ever been with and I have always missed him and I have always wished that things could be different. We talked about a future together and I thought I was the luckiest person in the world because he was in my life.  I thought he was a blessing, and he was. But the timing wasn’t right then and the timing isn’t right now. That makes me sad.

It was great to have lunch with him today. We enjoy each other’s company and we have a chemistry that is unlike anything I have ever experienced. But the circumstances haven’t changed and the timing is still not right, and seeing him makes me miss him more. He is in a relationship now and that news was extremely difficult for me. I would like to say I have dealt with it well, but I would be lying. I had to walk away from him abruptly because I felt jealousy, fear, and anger simultaneously. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach, a knot was in my throat and my eyes almost filled with tears. I had to continue with the rest of my day without crying and I barely made it. But I got to go home for a bit between jobs and I got to fall apart. I feel so many things I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like he is having the relationship with someone else that he was supposed to have with me. And I am very sad.

I am a firm believer that things happen exactly the way they are supposed to, and tomorrow I will feel better. But tonight my heart is broken.

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