I just read a headline in a recovery magazine, and it really struck a chord. I am almost laughing it seems so ridiculous that I didn’t realize it.
Boundaries – when we were using we had none. As we recovered we learned to set them and also experienced them being set around us.
I think I have been in an internal battle over external boundaries. As I read that excerpt I realized that I have had some boundaries set around me and I did not ask for them. And, I’m pretty sure, my inner 5 year old may have reacted.
So when I have one of these simple realizations, I recognize what has irritated me, I have to turn it around. I don’t like to blame people, places, or things for things that are beyond my control. Another reason I don’t like to play the blame game, in any situation, is I feel like blaming other people somehow gives us the impression that we are better. There is a strange seeking of superiority in blaming another and I think superiority is complete rubbish.
Instead of blaming, I have to figure out how I am equal. In some areas, this is really simple. When someone pisses me off while they are texting and driving, I have to remember that I have also pissed someone else off when I was texting and driving. Those situations are simple. If a friend is running a little late, I have to remind myself that I also have been late and those things happen. I am very much a person that plans. I like to know every single thing I am doing, where I am going, who I am going with, and exactly what time we are going. So being late and/or unplanned or unorganized can cause me great stress, making this one a little more challenging. But in the spirit of equality and non-blaming, I have to analyze my adverse reaction to boundaries.
I understand the importance of setting boundaries. And I am not weak in setting boundaries in life, personal and/or professional. I think it is smart, it is healthy, and it allows people to understand what is important to me and the principles that I value. I have precise boundaries set for myself as well, and I think it is very healthy to abide by them to be true to myself and what is important to me. But, there has been an uninvited boundary set before me, and I don’t like it.
I always say that life would be so much easier if people would just do what I want them to. And I firmly believe this, lol! However, I do recognize that it is unlikely and probably irrational. So I will try to play by the other rules. But why am I threatened by these external boundaries when I believe boundaries are so healthy?
My sponsor always told me that most things stem from fear. I think all of us in recovery have learned this over the years. And fear comes out two ways: one is the fear of losing something I already have, and the second is the fear of not getting something I want. This has been an amazing piece of information for me to ponder throughout the years, and it has allowed me to understand and work through many many things with a more clear understanding of myself and my actions.
This boundary thing is a direct hit to the fear of not getting something I want. Maybe I want to be on the other side of that boundary and someone won’t let me get there fast enough. That will make anyone mad!
And funny as I have been thinking about this over the past 20 minutes, all of my external boundaries are time boundaries. And all surrounding the same things I write about regularly: school, work, and career building.