The past few days I have been thinking a lot about living in faith rather than fear. Living in fear for me means having fear of the unknown. Almost every aspect of my life right now is unknown. I have a million questions and zero answers. My professional life is unsettled with many opportunities on the horizon but nothing actually happening. My personal life is almost nonexistent and in a holding pattern of its own. And higher education is proving to be more stress than it may be worth.
I have been almost paralyzed by fear for the past week, praying every moment for the strength to get to the other side. I have been bummed out, I have been stressed out, I have been over-analyzing every detail and have not been able to enjoy a single second of my life.
I know that everything will work out and that everything will be okay. It always is. But for some reason I haven’t been able to get to that place of security in my mind. I know that no matter how much I worry and stress everything will happen exactly the way it is supposed to happen. But I can’t stop thinking about all of the unanswered questions and I can’t stop thinking about the uncertainty of my future.
Today, I am going to continue to pray for that strength and understanding that I need right now. I have to continue to try because I know it works. I know that my faith is stronger than my fear and I have to stay focused on that.
I know that life does not happen on my schedule, but it happens when it is supposed to happen. It isn’t about what I want, but about what is right in the right time and the right place. Faith is the luxury of knowing that everything works out exactly the way it is supposed to. If something doesn’t fall into place easily, then I know I need to work harder or look elsewhere because if it doesn’t work then it is the wrong thing. When the right thing comes along it works simply and easily. I have to get my head to that place of faith rather than this place of fear.
I think I am also in this place of fear because I feel out of control. I feel like every aspect of my life is under another persons control, and I don’t depend on people well. So for today, I am going to focus on getting my head in the same place as my heart. In faith. I know it works, I trust it to work, and I want to let it happen. I need to change my perspective also. I can’t have this view of other people having control over certain things. I need to look at it like it is my responsibility to move away from people who aren’t doing the things they said they would. I know that my opportunities are endless and I can create action by taking action. If people don’t follow through, I need to move on. This may prove a little more difficult with school, as the financial aid office does not want to give me enough money to pay for school next year. But there has to be a way. I don’t want to quit because I have come so far, there must be a solution, I just have to keep looking.
So in faith, I have to give up the illusion of control. Not only my own, but the perception that other people have some control in my future.
MY action creates my future.