I celebrated 6 years sober yesterday, and I have been a bit speechless. All day yesterday I thought about posting a blog for my birthday, as I did last year and I will next year. But I couldn’t figure out what to say. I feel like there are so many things to talk about, so many changes, so many revelations that I don’t know where to start.
Firstly, it does not feel like it has been six years. This time in recovery has gone so fast it is hard for me to believe that six years has passed since my last drink. It is also hard to imagine that I have grown up so much. When I was a drinking person I was immature, insecure, I was a liar, I was selfish, and I was mean. It is so hard for me to believe, as I sit here today, that I was all of those things. I have grown up, my insecurities have fallen away, I love to do for others, and sometimes I can even be nice! I have become responsible and self-sufficient where I used to spend all of my money on booze and then borrow money for rent with no intention of ever paying it back. Today, I work hard, I spend a bit, and I save a lot. I don’t owe anyone any money for anything and if I did need to borrow money for something, my people would be happy to lend it because they know I would get it right back to them. I am a totally different person.
Last night I was invited to share some time with an old friend. He had a relapse and was celebrating one year clean and sober. As I was listening, I was reminded of what a miracle it really is that some of us can do this thing called sobriety. I was thinking about all of the things we are and all of the things we do for our addiction, and I was in awe. I feel like there is a place in our minds, as addicts, that only addicts can understand. It is a certain feeling that is so dark, a specific disdain for ourselves, paired with hoplessness and terror, hate and despair. But no matter how much I describe it or explain it, there is no way to understand how truly horrible it is unless you live it. And when I was sitting down last night, listening to my friend share his story, I was reminded that we really are miracles. Not only to have survived, but to get sober, to stay sober, and to help other people fighting the same fight.
I think that is what this year has been all about to me, helping others. But in the midst of all the jobs and all the school, I forgot about myself and I stopped taking care of myself. So as I enter this year number 7, I want to be more conscious of my needs. I am entirely conscious of my jobs, and I am entirely conscious of trying to accomplish this education in a reasonable amount of time, but I need to be conscious of my body and my spiritual home and how much I love that and need that.
I will be posting a blog of my resolutions for the new year soon, and when I am writing them, I am going to remember to include myself. Not just things to achieve or accomplish, or obtain. But really to care for and nurture myself as a woman, as an adult, as a sober person, and as a miracle.