Who I Want To Be

Posted on December 26, 2010


It’s easy to forget what is important when you are in a time of struggle.  The holidays are always extremely difficult for me, it is very lonely and lonliness seems to be amplified when you see people with their significant others and children and plans and happiness and togetherness…and you realize that you don’t have any of those things….again.  New Year’s Eve is the worst.  It is such a couple friendly time and people have these big plans for the new year, and they toast at midnight and kiss the person they love/like/lust….and I am usually working, alone, with a bunch of drunk people.   I have been involved in a wierd, long-distance relationship for several months, the distance proved to be more than he could handle and his inconsistency was more than I could handle so I have yet another holiday season alone and some moments I feel as if I am hanging on by a thread. 

Earlier today I was driving in the car and I was trying to figure out the best way to deal with this discomfort.  Obviously in a time of pain it is always best to focus on the things that I am grateful for.  My life is really outstanding.  I have been given a second chance to live and I am making the most of it.  I am achieving all of the things I dreamt of and thought about.  I am getting my education, my career is in it’s very beginning stage and the sky is the limit, I have several side projects that I am working on that are all positive, I have amazing family that I love so much and they help keep me sane every single day, I have support, I have sobriety, I have people that look up to me and depend on me.  When I feel like I want to act out or lash out, I have to remember what is important, and I ask myself ‘who do I want to be?’  The person I want to be is strong, confident, accepting, kind, fearless, and unstoppable.  I don’t get to be any of those things if I am focused on feeling sad, depressed, lonely, and rejected.  To a certain degree you have to just let these feelings run their course, you can’t rush them, you can’t pretend they aren’t there and you definitely can’t pretend you don’t feel them.  For me, I have to acknowledge each feeling so it doesn’t get the best of me.  If I try to ignore it or stuff it down and forget about it then it is going to fight harder to get out, and when it does get out it is going to hurt me worse.  So I try to understand why I have the feelings, and how to make it hurt a little less.  And I know that with each day that passes I have the opportunity to feel better as long as I don’t drink.  In the midst of my discomfort and my endless prayer for this coming week to be over, and for me to survive it without drinking, I figured out a new focus.  My focus is on my growth, my accomplishments, the people who love me.  This life of mine isn’t about who or what I don’t have, this life of mine is about who I have become, and who I want to be. 

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