Is It Me?

Posted on October 30, 2010

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Over the last year or so I have really done some hardcore soul searching in the relationship department. In my past I have attempted to have relationships with people that aren’t capable of being in relationships. As I have grown on a personal level, and gained value in myself, I have learned that I don’t want to be with someone who is incapable. I have learned to recognize signs that it just isn’t going to work out, whether they are huge issues or small. I have learned to recognize my own issues and to correct them and apologize when I am wrong, most importantly always making a conscious choice to improve.

Now, when I start to get to know someone, I look at things differently. Its not only about instant gratification and having companionship in the moment, I watch for honesty, and integrity, dedication, and drive. Lifestyle choices and habits. Simple compatibility is the most important thing to me and if your core values differ then that is a problem. In the recent couple of months I have listened as several of my girlfriends have been involved in unfulfilling relationships. They are being mistreated and lied to, cheated on and taken advantage of. I have been in all of these relationships, repeatedly. I try to stress the importance of being responsible for yourself, if someone is mistreating you then it is your responsibility to go away from that person. I learned this the hard way, repeatedly. It is not healthy, on any level, to care about someone else’s behavior over your own, to place your happiness in the hands of someone that will readily mistreat you. This is a hard lesson to learn, a painful realization, and an even more difficult thing to change.

I do understand the basic desire to be loved. To be wanted, to be missed, to be cared for. My personal journey is of self-discovery and building my life, and I would love nothing more than to have someone to share it with. I wonder though, each time a dating relationship comes to an end, is it me? Another failed attempt, another disappointment, another piece of my heart gone. I try really hard to be rational and fair, to be conscious and respectful. And I wonder when someone will have the same consideration for me. I start to understand where my girlfriends are coming from, being in these dysfunctional relationships. It seems as though I have to choose either to be alone, or be dysfunctional. Is there a lesser of those two evils? I don’t think so. I wonder if I am being unreasonable, am I expecting too much? I don’t think that honesty and a basic sense of respect is too much to ask, but why is it so hard to find? Are my girlfriends right to be with guys that are less than perfect just to have some sense of security?

It is very important to me that the words a person speaks, also match the actions they take.  It seems like the last couple of experiences I have had, that hasn’t been the case.  The hardest part is, when you meet someone you feel hopeful.  It’s like the possibilities are endless and it is exciting and promising.  When it doesn’t work out, it is sad and disappointing.  After so many attempts, and disappointments, I have to wonder…… Is it me?

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