They say that the age in which you start using drugs or alcohol is the age that you stop maturing. I know I have talked about this in the past- I started using alcohol as a coping mechanism around the age of 19. I used it to change my mood from bad to good, I used it to take away sadness and make me happy. When you use something as a solution, you never learn how to cope with things on your own. So here I sit, with the emotional maturity of a 19 year old, and it is really embarassing and exhausting.
Dating relationships are really hard. I have been dating for 20 years and have made a lot of bad choices and have chosen the wrong people. I am damaged, not beyond repair, but damaged. I am defensive because I feel as though my heart has been under attack. I am sensitive because I don’t always understand what I am feeling and I fear that my feelings will be rejected or not reciprocated. And all of these things make communication very difficult.
Yesterday I lost my temper and I said something that I desperately regret. I would do anything to go back, to take it back, to be more mature, patient, and kind. I behaved in a way that I would chastise someone else for and I am humiliated. I hurt the person that I love, and in my selfishness and haste, I may have cost myself my relationship. In the end, I did my part. I was very honest about exactly what I was feeling, I apologized for my immaturity and anger, and I asked for forgiveness. But the point is, it never should have happened in the first place. I don’t know how to become more patient, more understanding and less defensive. I got caught up in this stupid thing, only thinking about myself and my feelings and not for a moment considering what he may be feeling or the stress he may have. Like I’m the only one that is important. I needed reassurance and when I didn’t get it, I threw a temper tantrum and acted a fool.
I understand it takes two to tango and I am not in this alone. You can’t have a fight without an active participant and I’m not saying I am the only one at fault. I’m saying that I want to be better in the future. Because if he doesn’t forgive me, and I have to date again, I have to do it better. I have to BE a better person to BE WITH a better person. I need to shut my mouth, I need to trust my relationship, and I need to leave the baggage of my past in my past. I don’t have enough hands to carry it into my future.