It’s About The End, Not The Beginning

Posted on April 12, 2010

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What do you do when you are having a moment of craving? You really want to drink, maybe your friends are drinking, telling drinking stories and laughing, bragging about their drunken escapades. And you start to think about some of your fun, drunken escapades… and it starts to sound fun again. Well, I have some news for you: if you are currently sober, thinking about getting sober, or desperately wanting to get sober…..THEN YOU ARE NO LONGER HAVING FUN!!!! Honestly, I can not tell you that all the years I drank were horrible and miserable and alcohol is evil. I drank for many years and had a lot of fun for a very long time, until it wasn’t fun anymore. I think the key to sobriety for me was knowing, absolutely for sure, that there was no fun left for me and alcohol. Once you overstep a certain line with booze, there is no turning back. I tried several methods to get the fun back, like not doing any shots. I thought if I could just drink beer and not do any shots, then I wouldn’t get out of control. Then once I tried to only have one drink per hour…. that was the worst hour of my life!! All I did was stare at the clock waiting for the hour to be over so I could slam my drink and get another one! What I finally figured out was that it wasn’t what I was drinking that was the problem, it was the fact that I tried to drink a hundred of them! So finally I had to surrender to the fact that my fun with alcohol was over. I am a true alcoholic, and when I crossed the line, there was no returning to the days of carefree moderate drinking and fun. The reality is, in a moment of thinking about drinking, I can’t think of the beginning days when I had two wine coolers and got all warm and giggly, because that isn’t my truth today. I can’t think of the middle, when I was 25 and living in Los Angeles having the time of my life, because that also is not my truth today. I have to think about the end. The end, when I could barely get myself out of bed because the hangover was so bad. The end, when I only ate 4 times a week because I would rather drink than eat. The end, when I crashed my car on the freeway, I hit another car and hurt myself. When I was so depressed I hated myself. The end, when I had to pee in a cup, and spend time in jail. I have to be honest and think about the end, because that’s my reality now, and it is definitely not fun.

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