Secrets

Posted on April 10, 2010

2


 Thank you Jenni M.  for this question:  what does it mean when they say you are only as sick as your secrets? 

Here’s the deal with secrets…. they will kill you!  You know how we are taught as kids that honesty is the best policy?  They say if you tell one lie then it takes another to cover it up, then another, then another…. its a nasty web we weave.  When I was still drinking, my entire life was a lie.  On the outside, I looked totally normal.  I laughed, I made money, had a nice car, and a nice home- but on the inside I was dying.  I drank all the time, I was spending all my money on booze, I had noone to be honest with- and I thought if I was honest about who I really was, then people wouldn’t want to be my friend.  I had huge parts of my life that my family never knew about at all.  Hospital visits, a ton of legal trouble, jail, when I crashed my car drunk I told them I hit a deer- my entire life was a lie.  When it came to dating I had to convince the guy that I was normal, that I was independent, happy, and self-sufficient.  The truth was that I was a drunk.  I drank all the time and I was drinking myself to death.  I hated myself, I was sad, lonely, and depressed.  And I spent every minute of every day convincing people that I was something different.  How can you be healthy if your whole existence is a lie?  These are the things that drive us to drink, or use drugs, or eat, or have compulsive sex…. the list is endless.  We hurt ourselves.  The solution is simple, yet the most difficult thing you’ll ever do.  You have to get honest.  You have to get honest about who you really are and what you really are, it’s the only way to heal.  For me, it was scary.  I still thought that I would scare people away with how bad I was.  But the truth is, everyone has skeletons in their closet, and that’s okay.  In this recovery community we are all in it together.  Noone’s skeletons are any worse or any bigger than anyone else’s.  Secrets make you sick, make you drunk and make you lie- you’re only as sick as your secrets…

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